Being in Singapore, I have had many opportunities to witness and participate in intercultural communications. In this post, I will be describing the most recent encounter I had in observing intercultural communication.
Last week, I had dinner with a few of my friends, and one of my Singaporean friend, Elise brought her boy friend from US, Jonathan along. We had our dinner on a long table and I was sitting right beside Elise and Jonathan. Halfway through our dinner, Elise asked Jonathan to get her the Calamari Rings that was placed further from her. This was how she did it:-
While cutting her fish, Elise nudged Jonathan with her elbow and said, " Hey Jon, pass me the Calamari Rings." Immediately, Jonathan folded his arms, stared at Elise sharply and said, "Excuse me? What did you just say?" Jonathan looked rather offended and I was quite shocked to look at his expression. At the same time, I can see the blank look on everyone else's faces. Then Elise looked up and responded slowly, "Oh sorry. I mean 'Jon, can you pass me the Calamari Rings, please?' " There and then, Jonathan's expression softened and he passed the Calamari Rings to Elise. Everything returned to normal after the incident, and we had our dinner pleasantly.
Frankly speaking, I was initially clueless when I looked at Jonathan's offensive face, because I didn't think that there's anything wrong with Elise's request. However, after witnessing the whole incident, I deduced that Jonathan reacted in such a way because he found Elise's way of asking rude because Elise request sounded more like a "command" rather than a request for help. As I thought about it further, I realised that for Singaporean, during informal conversation, we tend to speak Singlish -- simplify our sentences and leave out the words or phrases that portray our mannerism. However, for Jonathan who was brought up in a proper English speaking environment, not using phrases such as "please", "can you help..." in a request may sound rather rude.
After a few days, I had a chance to meet Elise for lunch and discussed about the incident. She told me that Jonathan was offended because he thought that the way she was acting very disrespectful towards him, because not only did she missed out the "magic words", she didn't initiate any eye-contact with Jonathan when she spoke to him. Elise told me that in the US culture, speaking to a person without maintaining eye-contact is rather disrespectful. On the other hand, mannerism in speech is also very important for them. She said that similar incidences also happened before, and had caused some tension between both of them.
Through speaking to Elise, my deduction was verified. However, more than that, I came to understand that things that we think is normal and acceptable for one's culture may be unacceptable another person's culture. Therefore, understanding cultural differences is crucial in order to have effective intercultural communication.
Hi Yong Chean,
ReplyDeletethis is Dawn Tay a reporter from Singapore Press Holdings. Find your blog entry very interesting. Do you think that I can get Elise's contact from you, so as to email her?
My email is taydawn@sph.com.sg, my contact no. 63192163.
Interesting post!
ReplyDeleteI never knew such a simple act can cause misunderstanding. I wonder if my US friend was offended back then.
Hi YC!
ReplyDeleteI would be surprised if I were you too. Many a times, when I speak politely to my good Singaporean friends (as what Jonathan from your post would expect), on-lookers will give comments like "Why are you all so polite to each other??" In the Asian/Singaporean culture, the more familiar you are with someone, the more you can afford to miss out those "magic words". I guess this is quite different for the English / American. I guess it depends on whom we are speaking to.
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ReplyDeleteTrue true true, Yong Chean! Your friend Elsie's behavior would be considered quite rude to quite a few Americans in this situation.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it should be pointed out that NOT ALL AMERICANS are polite in all situations. But at a dinner party such as the one you describe, amongst university students and white collar urban professional types (yes, there can be a socioeconomic dimension to this as well), a request such as the one Elsie made of her boyfriend should be accompanied with eye contact and the magic word "please."
You describe an interesting incident in a clear and concise post, YC. You also do a good job of interpreting the behaviors. (Hey, you also hooked a reader from the Straits Times!)
There are only a few language problems I want you to take note of:
1) offensive face >>> offended demeanor
2) Calamari Rings >>> calamari rings
3) and one of my Singaporean friend, Elise >>> and one of my Singaporean friendS, Elise,
4) things that we think is normal and acceptable for one's culture may be unacceptable another person's culture. >>> things that we think ARE normal and acceptable for one's culture may be unacceptable inanother person's culture.
Yong Chean, now I've learnt something from you about most americans generally. Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I believe that Elise and her american boyfriend have not been together for long.. and therefore may not fully understand each other's style of expressing themselves. Would you agree with this?
Hi , Yong Chean, your story reminds me of my communication with my family members at home and on public occasions. Chinese have been considered to value etiquette since ancient times. Kids are taught to be polite and respectful to others with qing, xiexie and so on. Strangely the rule is not applied to family members in China. When requesting for a help, family members just give orders, usually without eye contact. Hence, my daughter often orders me to do this and that, and I give orders to my husband for help now and then. It is regarded as a kind of intimacy, only for the closest relationships. Adversely, we feel distant from each other if we say “ qing, xiexie ” all the time. Only on very formal occasions do we say politely to each other. I don’t know whether Singaporean Chinese do the same with the family members.
ReplyDelete