Last year, I was heading a committee to organise a one-day charity carnival and my close friend, Lynn was part of the committee. As the date of the event approached, Lynn was suddenly irresponsive and eventually stonewalled with the tasks assigned to her. In the end, the whole committee had to work extra hard to complete her task.
After the event, the real conflict arises. I called her to arrange for a meeting to talk about this issue. To my shock, she immediately started crying, saying that she didn't want to talk about this and assuring me that it would never happen again.The same thing happened for the subsequent attempts. I couldn't start a proper conversation with her without her crying non-stop. To me, she was engaging in emotional blackmail to avoid the confrontation. Her refusal to face the confrontation created an unspoken conflict between both of us. Eventually, I stopped pursuing the issue, because I was not sure how best to handle it. Today, we are still friends, but this conflict remains unresolved.
Upon reflection, I understood my motivation of initiating the meeting as one in which I sought to fully understand the situation to avoid any possibilities of misunderstanding each other. After speaking with other friends, I came to realise that she acted that way purely out of the fear of any forms of confrontation, thinking that shoving everything unpleasant under the carpet would protect each other’s feelings and preserve our friendship. I learnt from this experience that the main factor that perpetuated the conflict was the depth of friendship involved. If our friendship were shallow, any form of emotional manipulation might have been much less effective.
Dear readers, what would you have done in my place to resolve this conflict?
___________________________________
Resolution to this conflict:
As you have read from the post above, the conflict remains unresolved till this day. As much as I hope to resolve the conflict, I don't see how I can do that without her using her tears as weapon. If you are a biology student, you will probably know of the "fight or flight" principle. In facing a crisis, one can fight or flee. In this case, I choose to flee, leaving the conflict as where it was and "flee" from working with her again, until the right time arrives when I can talk to her calmly about this matter.
That doesn't sound like a happy ending, does it?
EDITED
Hi Yong Chean,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like your friend is still very sensitive emotionally, and perhaps rather immature in the way she handles the interpersonal conflict? I see that you have tried hard to resolve it but to no avail. I like your candid and deep analysis about this whole issue. I'm sure you learnt something deeper about interpersonal relations and friendship as well!
Cheers,
You Sheng :)
Hi Yong Chean, this is such a tricky situation, because Lynn is your close friend. What can you possibly do when she turns those bambi eyes on you? Almost nothing! Well, not entirely. Like you, I would have tried to understand the situation by asking her first, but when that doesn't help and I really want to know the reason, I'd ask friends around her whom I also know, and try to find out indirectly. Is this past conflict still affecting both of your friendship now? If it is, perhaps you can bring up the issue casually but purposefully over a dinner. Do you gals take the bus home together? One of my favourite times to catch up with a close friend is on the bus.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about close friend is this. We tend to see the qualities we want and we have in them and we expect them to act like how we think we would act ourselves but the fact is everyone is different. I have close friends who I can't for the world of it, comprehend his/her logic for such behaviour.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how close is your friend to you but if she is a worthy friend to keep, it may be wise to start from a clean sheet. Different people has different approach to friendships. Some may work for you, some you may not be so comfortable with. Ultimately, we understand ourselves, we know if we can adapt to it. Nothing is constant. And we can improve for the better.
Cheers!
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for all your inputs. At that moment, it took me quite some time to finally decide to confront her. The easy way out will be to just leave the issue aside. However, that was against my personal value.
I always believe that as leader, there's a need to help your team member in character building, and thus there's a need for me to confront her on this issue, not just to clear the air, but that there were important lessons for both of us to learn, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, and no matter how much will it jeopardize our friendships.
We are still rather close today, however, the dynamic of our friendship is different. She has lost the trust and confidence that I once have on her character. In the subsequent projects that I was leading, I didn't ask for her participation, fearing that the same thing may happen again.
On a deeper level, I felt that I was victimized by her act of emotional blackmail. I am really not prepared to face the same thing again, and therefore go all the way out to eliminate any possibility for another emotional blackmail.
I know that my response to this issue is rather inappropriate, but I am also not sure what to do. It has been one year, and we never discussed about this issue. I know that something needs to be done to restore our friendship, but I am just not sure what exactly it is that I should do. Any suggestion?
Thanks =)
Thanks, Yong Chean, for this post. Your description of the issue has generated lots of feedback, even though I feel like some important aspects are missing. For example, you say you are still friends but the conflict remains unresolved. What exactly was the conflict? That she didn't do her duties for the event? Who did them? You? Were there any negative repercussions from her avoidance? If yes, what?
ReplyDeleteOne note on vocabulary) irresponsive >>> unresponsive
Hi Brad,
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing out the parts which were unclear.
3)The conflict between us was not about the duties that were not done, but rather her refusal to discuss about the issue and the emotional blackmail used in order to avoid confrontation.
2) The duties were eventually done by other members of my committee. Although none of them complained about it, I thought she needed to be held accountable for her action.
3) On the surface level, there weren't much negative repercussions. However, I find it hard to trust her again, especially when it comes to project work.
I will edit my post and include these points inside.
Thanks!
Hi Yong Chean,
ReplyDeleteIf I were at your situation, probably this was also the best I could do for it. Or even worse, I might lost a part of our friendship. I guess if I was in your shoes, I would like to put everything on the table.
I might talk with her about the reason why she cried, and what happened to her that she suddenly ran away from the CCA, I guessed rather than keep everything under the table, I would prefer to talk about it.
However, as long as it didn hurt your friendship, it could be the best solution. Things do not go to heaven, people do.
Hello Yong Chean,
ReplyDeleteone more point I would like to add regarding communication. I realise that effective communication in interpersonal conflicts also consider whether the damage done is based on logic or emotions. For some people, depending on personality, our communication has to consider more of their feelings. For others, our communication has to be as resonable and logical and matter-of-fact as possible. It really depends on who we're interacting with, as we adjust our communication approach! :) Hope this helps..
Hello Yong Chean,
ReplyDeletein my opinion, storing up resentment and tension is definitely not healthy for any long-term relationship. Since she is your close friend, I felt that it is even more important to take the dive and show her that both of you can communicate openly and respectfully about unpleasant conflicts of interest. Perhaps I would suggest taking small steps initially. Eventually you want to show her that both of you can resolve conflicts in respectful manner and even develop stronger relationships through mutual understanding.